Dear Ioana,
Use this experience which organically shakes you to the core to reflect upon life. The western way, I was talking to Lucian recently as he has gone through this experience, is more focused on the ones left behind, on life going on, on the fact that the society wants you back to work and functioning (un fel de romanescul – mortii cu mortii si viii cu viii). Everything is geared to conceal the ugly face of death to be left with the good memories and to push deep down all the other feelings you might have – despair, guilt, sadness, etc. Not productive. Plus if the dead had some vicious traits, why not, blame it on him/her. However the "eastern" way is quite the opposite – look at death in the face, see all the decrepitude and the ugliness it brings, cry, moan, accuse the Universe for being so cruel and indifferent, it is a tsunami event, the only one that counts when you are naked and insignificant in front of the big Universe.
Cel ce este in voi, este mai mare decat cel ce este in lume” 1 Ioan 4:4
You will decide how to deal with this. Only you! Maybe the healthier way is to use this time to go deep in yourself and reflect upon the human condition and with courage to assume that life is as is with good and bad, beauty and ugliness, life and death. Talk about it with a trusted friend and do not hide what you feel. As in the painting of Munch – The Cry... let it all out because whatever it will be repressed will haunt later and shadows always lurk in us waiting to take forms. Luckily we live for the bit of Grace we are bestowed upon from time to time. It is the only thing we can cling to and which will anchor us in this ever changing world. Love you and I am always here for you. Nusa has been an amazing woman. Quite intimidating sometimes. But we can always learn from her lived life – her family was everything for her. Nothing else – just her sons and her family!
I. G.
